Joaquin Phoenix: Voluptuous Beard, Hoax of the Century

Joaquin Phoenix:
Voluptuous Beard, Hoax of the Century

When I heard Joaquin Phoenix publicly declare that he was through with acting, my heart groaned within, and I shed a tear. I felt we had lost one of our finest performers, and so soon after one of the greatest performances of all time as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. What a shame! For a time, I sulked, and even went days without food, my appetite having disappeared as quickly as this great actor disappeared from the artistic community.

But then I caught him at a Vegas nightclub on YouTube, donning a stocking cap like T.I. and a beard that put Kris Kringle’s to shame, both in length and tonality (although Mr. Kringle may yet have Joaquin beat in fullness). Enveloped in this strange, new image, Joaquin began to rap, the words flowing from his mouth with such ease and fluidity, “spitting rhymes” (as Puffy Combs might put it) as well as any of our modern rap artists, and even throwing in the hand gestures and limping swagger to boot. As I watched, mesmerized, it slowly occurred to me that if this fine performer ever did leave the artistic community, then not only is he back, but he is back and better than ever!

The Academy and the general public recognized and praised Joaquin for his portrayal of the late Johnny Cash, and rightfully so. But let’s face it; he simply didn’t have the build or physical prowess to accurately portray the real Johnny (unlike Will Smith, for example, who actually put on 50 pounds of muscle to play Mohammed Ali). So let’s hope that the Academy and the people at large will come out in droves to give this performance – far greater, in my opinion, than any of his previous performances – the acclaim that it deserves. For not only does he get into the psyche of the character, but he also fits the physicality to a tee.

So convincing is his performance this go around, that he has succeeded in making nearly everyone believe that this is indeed him. Whereas, no matter how hard he worked at becoming Johnny Cash, he couldn’t actually convince a reasonable human being that he was in fact Johnny Cash. And for this, he deserves our praise. Who, other than Andy Kaufman and 2-Pac, has ever been able to pull a hoax off like this??

And as if the performance in the underground club in Vegas wasn’t enough, he goes on live national television for an interview with David Letterman! If you haven’t seen the interview, then do it now:

http://www.cbs.com/late_show/video/video.php?cid=446418043&pid=TOnYWLFIAq4k8vA0Me2lpEWu5ovWrJzB&play=true&cc=1

Needless to say, this performance catapults this hoax to a whole new level, rivaling that whole Y2K thing, and perhaps even Al Gore’s reception of the Nobel Peace Prize.

So let’s all give a round of applause to Mr. Phoenix for his incredible accomplishment; nay, a standing ovation. Bravo! Bravo! Or perhaps in honor of his new persona, we ought to raise the roof. Either way, let’s all show our appreciation.

If you’re wondering how you might show that appreciation, consider going to a theatre near you when Casey Affleck’s new documentary is released, which just so happens to be about his brother-in-law’s hip-hop dream (Casey was reportedly at CBS studios, filming the landmark interview with Letterman).


Douglas W. Bailey
dwadebailey@gmail.com