Ending the Racial Injustice in College Football

Now that the College Football season is finally over, it’s time to stop simply talking about the egregious racial disparity in head coaching jobs and actually do something about it. Out of the 119 schools that have Division IA football programs, only seven have coaches that are African American (an abysmal 6%). One coach is Latino and one is of Polynesian decent. In a country as diverse as ours, where racial boundaries have been pushed back on so many fronts (including, most recently, the office of President of the United States), these statistics are appalling. It begs the question: why can’t we get a fair representation of our national racial profile in the sport of college football?

The answer is, we can! And here’s how:

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the estimated population of black residents in the United States is 36 million, or 12% of the total population, which is double the percentage of black men currently coaching. In order to raise the percentage of black coaches in college football to 12%, 7 of the current positions need to be vacated and filled by African Americans.

Navy’s football program is run by, Ken Niumatalolo, the only Pacific Islander in the entire FBS. But considering Pacific Islanders only make up .14% of the general population, it would seem reasonable to relegate Ken Numa…Whatever-his-name-is to some sort of Assistant Special Teams Coordinator or something like that, and place the recently fired Ty Willingham (African American) in his stead (Willingham went 0-12 last year, making his record at Washington a respectable 11-37).

That leaves six more spots that need to be vacated. But rather than go through each spot one-by-one, it will suffice to say that each of the major conferences could use one more black coach in order to ensure that no one geographical area maintains a white monopoly.

We’ve now solved the black coaching problem in college football! But wait…Have we, in our fervor to rectify this horrid situation, overlooked someone?

Hispanics are now the largest minority group in the United States at 37 million, or 13% of the population. The fact that only 1 of the 119 head coaching positions is filled by a Latino is downright inexcusable, and ought to be unspeakable in this day and age. How could we have forgotten the nation’s largest (and hardest-working) minority during this debate?! Well consider them forgotten no more. 16 white coaches must be canned immediately to free up some space for the Latinos.

Also, Asians make up 4.4% of the U.S. population; so perhaps 5 more white coaches could step down right away to make room for these perfectly qualified Asian coaches.

And what about Multi-racial Americans, who make up 2% of the population? I’m sure we can create one more job for them somewhere.

( Since Native Americans make up only .8% of the population, we don’t have to worry about them at all. Besides, they have their casinos. )

Now that we have a perfectly diverse field of head coaches – one that accurately reflects the beautiful rainbow that is America – we must move on to the players themselves and their positions on the field, in which exists an even greater racial chasm than in the job of head coach!

In 2008, only 9 of the 119 FBS schools had a white starting tailback. That equals 7%, and in a country where whites make up 68% of the population, the statistic is staggering! Surely, in a country with over 200 million white men, there are more than 9 who are athletic enough to take a handoff, hit the hole, and turn up the field. Surely! The fact that there aren’t more white tailbacks in college football can only point to one thing, and it begins with a capital R.

And don’t look now, but the numbers are even worse for the cornerback position!!

So, in the name of racial equality, 71% of currently starting black tailbacks must now ride the pine to make room for 80 white boys, 15 Hispanics, 5 Asians, and 3 Multi-racial Americans (and maybe 1 Native American too, to assuage the guilt we all still feel for the way they had it handed to them). And 86% of currently starting black cornerbacks must relinquish their positions to equally qualified Whites, Hispanics, Asians, and all the rest. And so on and so forth down the line, each position governed by the same standard (except for kickers – everyone knows only white boys can kick), until the FBS is thoroughly cleansed of its racial inequities, and all people, regardless of race, ethnicity, or gender are welcomed under the beautiful umbrella of tolerance and love.

Speaking of gender, how is it that there is not one female head coach in all of college football??? I am appalled and flabbergasted.