Mammal Mullets

I looked in the mirror this morning and realized it was time for a trim. The thought depressed me. I’m going to have to get out the clippers, cover the bathroom in garbage bags to prevent a mess, scrub the bathroom afterwards because the garbage bags don’t really prevent a mess anyway, take a shower, realize that I didn’t actually get all the long hairs upon getting out of the shower (especially the ones around the ears), at which point, the scissors have to come out to trim around that impossible area, which will lead to the inevitable discovery that not only do have to shave, but also pluck around the eyebrows, which is a whole other depressing story.

To make my moment in front of the mirror even worse, I realized that I was the only mammal on the planet that had to deal with this madness. Why do I have to go through this? Why don’t other mammals have to get haircuts?

Like a bolt of lightning, the answer was revealed:

Could you imagine what would happen to the little bear cub that is forced to wear a mullet? Not only would it be ridiculed and bullied by its peers, but there’s a good chance of it being mauled by its own mother as well, confused by its resemblance to some hideous miniature lion. And if the mother didn’t get to it, the father certainly would. Father bears are dangerous enough to their cubs. Just imagine how crazed it would make him to see his own child donning a mullet. Add that to ravenous hunger and you’ve got yourself a dead bear cub.

And what would become of the jaguar that has to traverse through the dangers of the jungle with a rattail dangling from the back of his head. I’m sure a bird or a lizard or something is gonna snap hold of that thing…

And what of the elephant with the mustache?

Or the wildebeest with the Afro?

I guess there’s a good reason why God decided not to curse the rest of His creations with ever-growing hair.